Invitro Update

I wish we had fantastic news, but we don't. My body isn't responding to the stimulant drugs like it should be. I've had two ultra sounds and there has been no change in the size of the folicles. This means that they can't retrieve eggs if the folicles aren't at a certain size at a certain time. See, if we wait another week to let the folicles grow, my uterus is then out of the right phase for implant. The doctor thinks that doing the depo lupron hindered things a bit. It shut my ovaries down so that the endometrioses would stop progressing. Well...usually the ovaries will wake up and work just fine after a couple of months of not being on the Lupron. Well...nothing usual happens in regards to me and Ryan, so ....I don't know. I've cried every possible tear in my body the last two days and prayed harder than ever before.
I go in tomorrow morning (Wednesday) at 8:00 am. If the folicles have finally taken off and progressed....they may proceed with the procedure. If not, the procedure will be canceled for this month and we will try again next month. So it isn't horrible news, but it is still incredibly discouraging to me. It's not like injecting myself with the maximum dosage of hormones possible twice a day is a joy. The ultra sounds are horribly painful and uncomfortable due to my endometrioses scar tissue. This procedure has already been pushed back a month. And there is the tiny little issue of having to buy another month's worth of drugs which in my case because i have to be on the full dose...is roughly 3500 dollars......which we don't have because we have scraped the bottom of our money barrels for this cycle. I've invested my body, my heart, 12,000 dollars so far....and it's hard for me not to be affected by this news. I need the big foot to get off my head for just a minute and let me come up for air.
My ward and my neighbors have been so great. They have been loving and of great service.
My only wish is that I could be ok with the fact that my body doesn't work and not get so incredibly upset and down when my friends or neighbors get pregnant or when I get reminded of how sick I really am. I want to be fine with it. I want to be happy for those that can have the things I can't. I just hope that my friends, family and neighbors will be patient with me and know that I love them and know that I am trying my hardest to heal from these hard times.
Ryan and I appreciate all the prayers and good wishes.